Harriette Cole: We urged our daughter to tough it out and were horrified by what happened
DEAR HARRIETTE: I believe you gave incorrect advice to “Separation Anxiety,” the mother whose child was struggling after only one day in college.
College today is a very different place than it was years ago. I have taught high school (full-time) and college (part-time) continuously for over 30 years.
Many students do not choose to go to college by themselves — their parents are the ones insisting this is the next step. Young adults mature at different times, and sometimes a community college close to home is a good first step where a student can figure out if he or she is suited for an academic track, or perhaps might prefer workforce development with a technical degree.
If the academic track works out well, the student can transfer after a year or so when he or she has gained some maturity and has figured out how to navigate higher education in a smaller context first.
Even though my husband and I are both college grads and I worked with college students for so many years, our own introverted daughter had a disastrous first year. She had a difficult time adjusting to a socially oriented roommate who was out all hours of the night, to all of the partying and to other pressures to fit in.
We encouraged her to stick with school for the reasons you mentioned and also encouraged her to check out clubs. To our horror, she developed a serious eating disorder, and by the time she came home for Christmas break, she was a shell of her former self, and she withdrew completely.
She then transferred to our local community college and, with love and counseling, eventually transferred back to a four-year university and now is an attorney.
The social pressures of college are not for every child, and I encourage the mother to listen to the concerns of her daughter. We so wish we had done so.
— A Reader in Virginia
DEAR A READER IN VIRGINIA: Thanks for sharing your story. It is true that every person develops uniquely, and community college is a great bridge to independence for some. Your story is illuminating.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m having a hard time controlling my shopping habits.
I often find myself buying things on impulse, which leads to regret afterwards. I want to take better care of my money, but breaking the habit of spontaneous spending seems really challenging.
I’ve tried setting financial goals by using digital spreadsheets, manual logging and avoiding temptation, but I still struggle with resisting the urge to make unplanned purchases, especially when I’m stressed or bored. I’m looking for effective strategies to help me curb these impulsive buying habits and improve my overall financial management.
What steps can I take to manage my shopping addiction and create a healthier relationship with my money? I’m ready to make some changes, but I need practical advice on how to start.
— Spending Habit
DEAR SPENDING HABIT: Set up automatic withdrawals from your paycheck that go into protected savings instruments that are not easily touched. This will help to safeguard some of your money.
Next, get a therapist who can work with you to address your spending habits and teach you ways to control your impulses.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
