Donald Trump, your bold recent comments about Canada becoming the 51st State, American acquisition of Greenland, and the reacquisition of the Panama Canal Zone have received a lot of attention and applause from your supporters, although Senators and Members of Congress have not yet gotten in step. We’ve had the usual pushback from outside the country that we thought you would want to be aware of as you and your close advisors frame a strategy to bring your plans to fruition. Here’s a summary of the diplomatic notes and intelligence reports that have come in:
The Danish Foreign Minister had already commented on your plan for Greenland, but his latest communiqué for some reason refers to the Virgin Islands (St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Croix). As you may recall, we bought them from Denmark in 1917 for $25 million. The Foreign Minister says they would like the islands back, and offered to refund our money.
Panama was very upset by your demand for return of the Canal Zone, but now we’ve heard from Colombia. You may not have taken the history fully into account, but we basically severed what is now Panama from Colombia in order to dig the Canal. Colombia wants Panama back, Canal and all.
We’ve also heard from the Spanish government. In light of your plans for Canada, the Canal Zone, and Greenland, they were thinking it would be a friendly gesture if we were to turn Guam and Puerto Rico back over to Spain, since, as you no doubt recall, we acquired them under the 1898 Treaty of Paris that ended the Spanish-American War. “Forget the Maine.”
President Emmanuel Macron has sent a communiqué concerning the Louisiana Purchase. He proposes to send us back the $3 million Thomas Jefferson paid for it in 1803. This could be sensitive politically since there is a great deal of support for you in the States that were carved out of French Louisiana.
Speaking of purchases, our embassy in Mexico City reports that the government of President Claudia Sheinbaum is quietly preparing a demand for rescission of the 1853-54 Gadsden Purchase (with a refund of our $10 million). If we accede to such an outrageous demand, you’ll lose some supporters in Arizona and New Mexico. Worse yet, they’ll also certainly demand abrogation of the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo (1848). It’ll be well worth the $15 million refund we’d have to give to be finished with Gavin Newsom and all those Democrats in California. On the other hand, we’ll also have to give up Texas and all or part of several other red states.
Word of these shocking demands seems to be spreading. We can probably ignore a threatened Dutch demand for what is now New York; after all, they got it by treaty from Great Britain, so let them talk to London. Somewhat more troublesome may be the message that just came in from Moscow. Something about Alaska and a $7.2 million refund.
We’ll prepare appropriate instructions for the State Department. What should we say?
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